Brothers and sisters:
I am not ashamed of the Gospel.
It has been with a very heavy heart
that I have not been able to serve the people of God in a foreign mission field
for the last 3 months. I have struggled with this reality. I have struggled
with this fact, sometimes to the point of feeling ashamed of my own weakness.
You see this is very much my own
burden and the lie I tell myself is that I bear this weakness alone. My family
has and continues to have labor pains with these same issues, but I would
rather just let myself bear the burden and confusion alone.
I have struggled with the understanding that
the country we served in at this point in time is not the safest for my family.
It is with remorse that I owned that reality. I so desperately wanted something
to change. The country to come out of crisis, for my family to be better able
to understand our own suffering and the redeeming values of our time in Haiti.
For one reason or possibly a million, things
are not getting better and I have no idea what that says about the reality of
the country for our friends and fellow missionaries there. I love the people
with a piece of my heart that I will forever leave behind with the people I
know and love there.
I longed for clarity and a way
forward that spoke to me His desires. Lord just give me a light unto this path
show me Your way, Your timing, Your truth and not my own. I know now and
probably have for a long time that these lessons can and will take a lifetime.
The mystery of faith and fruit might
never fully illuminate what this past year has been to me. I struggle with it
and that is okay. But what is not okay is to feel ashamed of the Gospel.
Especially as it applies to me for
it is the Gospel truth that apparently I need to hear more than anyone in this
unexpected season. I need a savior each and every day. I am plagued with doubts
and second guesses and these past months I have let them be my guiding
narrative, rather than that of His sacrifice for me to live this life.
It is His Love, His Grace and His
truth guiding my life, and not my poor narrative of confusion and doubt.
This last weekend we attended a debriefing retreat, basically giving me the ability to ask the right questions for this
season. And simply taking the time to reflect on His Love and His calling has
made all the difference in the process of unpacking this unexpected outcome.
It is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes:
for Jew first, and then Greek.
For in it is revealed the righteousness of God from faith to faith;
as it is written, "The one who is righteous by faith will live."
It is by faith that this life is the
one I have been called to and have consequently chosen to respond in Love and
obedience to. I have the ability to partake in God’s great missionary call to Love
humanity and our response to Love Him in return.
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